Thursday, December 31, 2009

I'm Not Sure Where This Came From

"I love because I love to be loved," said an old friend of mine once. That has stuck with me for a long time. She said that we all long to give ourselves to someone. And she was right. She is right. You get what you give. If you don't give your entire self, they will never show you their entire self. And believe me, my hearts, everyone wants to see you.

People want to know you. They want to know who you are, what you like, where you come from, the places you've been, the things you've seen. Someone is going to ask you. They want to know about your scars and how you came to be who you are right now. We've all got our stories, right? I, personally, would like to hear yours.

My friend also said that staying mad is never the answer. Again, she's right. Hate is easy, the saying goes. Love takes courage. Judging someone with one glance...oh boy. That's a mistake I make on a daily basis. I'm human, I guess. We're a fallen people, right? I know this but I still can't help but beat myself up over that kind of stuff. Realizing the hate that I so often show... That sends a sharp pain right through my heart. I'm not even kidding you. Hate and anger... I couldn't bear it. We shouldn't ever hold on to those things for too long. They could destroy our very being. Am I right?

Love easier and more freely, I say. You'll find a peace and tranquilty you may have never known before. An abundance of joy. Being well stocked on joy could mean sharing it to those around you. It does mean sharing it.

Look. Things happen. Bad and good things. We have no control over any of it. You get the hand your dealt and you play the cards you've got. A good card player can rise even with the worst cards in his hand, I assure you. Bad things happen so we don't take the good for granted. We need those slaps in the face sometimes. The good things? Well, you deserve those whether you believe it or not. You're good. You're worth it. Don't you fret, my heart. Remember that "tough times don't last but tough people do." And that "everything happens for a reason."

Lately, I've been trying to live fairly. Taking what I need and nothing less. It's an art that's hard and nearly impossible to perfect but isn't just about everything? As long as we try hard to be better people, we'll be just fine.

Who you are right now, where you are right this second, the people you know and love today, don't ever take any of it for granted. The choices you've made and the things you have and haven't done make you who you are. And who you are is wonderful. Who you are is absolutely beautiful. So that word--regret? Leave it behind and don't you ever look back. Don't dwell in the past, my friends. And you know what? While you're at it, you can just throw away that rearview mirror you've got in your head. You won't be needing it where you're going. Where is that? Some place great, I just know it.

You have what it takes, trust me. Whether you believe you're strong or not, you are. I don't care what you say or think. I'm right. This life you lead will get hard. Really, really hard. It's not going to be easy but the people in it will be there to help get you through it. They were sent to you for a reason. And this may be hard to believe for you, but you were sent to them for a reason, too. You need them and they need you. How 'bout them apples, right?

Please understand that you have what it takes.

Keep moving forward, darling. You're doing just fine. There are some really wonderful moments and memories to be made and you'll be late if you just keep sitting there.

"Live for the possibilities, not the guarentees," my wise friend told me, "and be who you really are inside."

Please, never stop dreaming and reaching for that goal. No matter what they tell you. No one knows what they're talking about so don't listen to anyone.

Cry a lot. Believe me when I tell you, it'll keep you from going plum crazy. Laughing, too. Laugh till your abs go numb. It will not only help you, but it'll infect everyone around you. It's the greatest disease God ever made, in my opinion.

Above all, keep following Him. He likes to keep secrets, mind you, so you won't know where he's taking you. However, I'm confident that if you did know, life wouldn't be so exciting. He knows where you're going and so that is where you keep your trust. Right there. In Him. He's got you. You're His.

So am I. So is your neighbor. So why not love each other like we were all His, eh? Love, my hearts. Love hard. No, that's not going to be easy either. Some days, you aren't going to feel like loving. But you will...because that's what love is. Sometimes it'll hurt. I know it will. For some, it's going to hurt really bad but please never stop. I swear to you it's worth it. It's what's going to keep this world alive. It is the very reason we were created. Our very core. I believe love will be my greatest accomplishment in this life. And that's the truth.

And lastly, don't you dare settle for anything less than you deserve. You deserve A LOT, my friends. Please remember that. Remember what I'm telling you. You are worth being fought for, being loved unconditionally, being happy beyond belief, and being wanted. I promise if I find out you settled, I'll hunt you down. I'll come get you and drag you the hell out of there by your ear. I'm telling you that right now.

Live happily, don't sweat the small things, and whatever you do, do not hold back.
You'll be just fine, my love. You're doing just fine.

Thank you, Lindsey Salles, for inspiring me.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Getting Sentimental Over You

It's people like my mom,

and my brother,

(Photo by Miss Elizabeth Cowan)

and my roommates...

who make me feel I'm worth being loved.

These are the four people who probably know just about everything there is to know about me. All right, maybe not every detail... but so painfully close, it isn't even funny. All four have lived with me so they know me at my worst, at my best, at my happiest, at my saddest, at my angriest, at my laziest, etc. Most importantly, they see me when my guard is completely down, when I'm most vulnerable, and when I am 100% real.

The simple fact that they still love me, makes me realize that I'm worth that...because I have that. You know? Does that make any sense to you?

I was just a second ago, while sitting here on my bed, reading my book that this really hit me. They know me at my absolute worst. My worst and my ugliest. They've seen me at my very lowest and they STILL love me. That means something, right?!

It was like this little brick from up above smacking me in the face saying, "Look who you've got, silly girl!"

I'm not saying that no one else makes me feel worth being loved! That is certainly not the case. I just know that these four people are the four that know me the most out of anyone on Earth. Therefore, they have seen me when I'm not so pleasant and smiley, you know?

I'm so thankful for them! You have no idea!! I'm a blessed girl, I truly am. I don't deserve that kind of love for a second, but they give it to me unconditionally anyway, that's for sure.

My mom, my brother, Stephanie, and Ashley tell me everyday that I'm worth it. Worth all of it. The fight, the happiness, the love... They tell me that every single day of my life even when they don't say it.

Thank you, my hearts. I could never repay you for all that you have done and all that you continue to do for me...but I'm sure as hell gonna try. :D Love you!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

B O B Storytime

The other day, Bobby was with my mom at the bank. He had come to a conclusion at school that day that most people are afraid to make eye contact. So he decided to do a little experiment.

While standing in line, he stared at random people to try to get them to catch and hold his eye contact. "Everyone would look at me and just look down immediately," he said. He did this to every person in there. Bobby would just stare the tar out of 'em until they noticed the creepy little high schooler watching their every second. At this point, they were probably super freaked out and decided to ignore the awkward situation all together rather than figure out what his creepy deal was.

If I were them, I would have done the same thing.

Though the scenario could always have gone that there was a lonely lurk in there. He sees Bobby staring at him and, out of curiosity, stares back leaving Bob freaked out and regretful that he ever tried this experiment. I, personally, wish that would have happened.

Why do I wish that? Because now Bob tries to do it in various places. New Orleans' Seafood and Hamburgers, for instance. There was a man to the left of us dropping the f-bomb every other word and rambling on about how Tiger Woods was right for cheating on his wife because, "Hey! He's a millionaire! He can do and have whatever he wants!" Bobby decided to stare him down. Just stare at him until he noticed. I kept swatting at the kid trying to get him to stop because my face was hot and I probably looked as red as a strawberry. Finally he did but the damage had been done. My heart was beating so rapidly and my blood pressure had dropped so low that I couldn't really even eat... Okay, that's a lie. I could totally eat. Have you ever had the fries at New Orleans' Seafood and Hamburgers?! nom nom nom...

This is a habit of my brother's that I need to stop immediately before this ends badly.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Creepy Cat Lady

I just wrote an entire post about how much I love and miss my cats. Then I realized I actually dedicated a full blog entry to my cats. And after rereading and revising it a few times, I came to the conclusion that there was no way to get around the creepiness of that. I basically became the crazy cat woman... Like Angela from The Office....Oh, dear

I voted against posting the freaky cat post.

Look, I'm just saying that one of my favorite things about coming home is getting to see my pets. My Lucky and Smokey. There. That's all the creepiness I'll let out.

Now here they are...

This is Smokey.

And this is Lucky.

Yes, I am fully aware that this blog is still all about my cats.
Yes, I am fully aware that that makes me creepy.

I just really, really missed them!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Reunited with my brother

I've met and heard a lot of funny people in my life. For some reason, though, no one makes me laugh quite as hard as my brother, Bob.


His stories are my absolute favorite! I'll tell you one.

So the other Sunday, my brother read the second reading at our parish church for six o'clock mass. He went into the back sacristy to look over the reading in preparation before mass started. When it was time for him to go, he stepped up to the podium and read through pretty flawlessly. Feeling confident, he paused after the reading and recited, "The Word of the Lord." Except it didn't necessarily come out like that. While tripping over his words and stuttering a little, Bobby said, "The Lord of the Word."

In embarrassment, he stepped down from the alter and shuffled back to his seat. On his way back, he caught a glimpse of mom who usually sits in the front row. He described her face as a face of aggravation. "You would have thought I offended the entire Catholic Church," he recalled. I wasn't there, but I know that face. Probably a face of scorn because she thought he did it on purpose.

This is where I start crying laughing. I only react this way because I can just picture all of this in my head and it's hysterical.

Bobby has a reputation of doing things like that on purpose. It would take a lot of persuasion on his part to try and convince her that it was an honest mistake.

But just picturing my mom puckering her lips and squinting her eyes at Bob's ruby red face leaves me in hysteria every time I think about it.

*sigh* It's good to be home.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I'm still here!

Boy, have I really been neglectful with this lately!

This weekend some friends and I went to Houston to go meet Ree Drummond, also known as, The Pioneer Woman.

Pretty, right? More like gorgeous!

In case you were wondering, she's super sweet. I believe that when God created her, He literally included sugar, spice and everything nice. For real.

Cray-Cray, Deutsch, Libbs, JaseFace and I had a really great time. It was the perfect way to kick off finals week!

Oh,'s finals week, by the way. I am currently in a classroom at the church studying a little Geography and a little Western Civilization. You know...NBD. Well, right now, I'm talking to you. But before and after some serious bookage (I made that word up) is going down.

PS - A girl just knocked on wood on her way out because she said she has been dropping everything today except for her computer. I don't know why I felt like I needed to tell you that.

So anyways, Houston was fun. Ree was better. The car ride home was fantastic.

This week has not been super bright but I'm living by faith, trust and pixie dust so I'm pretty much invincible at this point.

Sorry about the uneventful mess that is this entry! Good luck to all of you this finals week and keep up the good work! I'm praying hard for all of you darlings!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Breaking the Devil's Back

I realized today, just now, while walking to class that I subconsciously avoid stepping on cracks when walking. I realized I was walking pretty awkwardly when I would take big steps and small steps and practically tripped over myself a couple of times. There was no pattern or rhythm to my stroll which is what caught my attention.

I was literally stepping over and around cracks in the cement. I'm pretty sure I do this everyday. I've always walked that way for as long as I can remember but it was just today, just now, while walking to class that I figured out what the heck I was doing.

Of course, I don't ALWAYS avoid cracks. That would be intense. However, I believe once I think about it, I start my weird habit.

Why do I do this? I don't struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so I'm feeling like that isn't it.

Am I really afraid I'll break my mother's back? Hmm? No...I don't believe that's it either.

But maybe it is...maybe I believe that bad things could happen if I slipped up and stepped on one of those bad boys. I mean, hey, ever since I was a little tot, I was always warned about those darn cracks... Sometimes it was either your mother's back or the devil's back. But that's a 50/50 chance you could break your sweet little momma's spine. She carried you for 9 months and you're gonna chance hurting her like that?! As victorious as breaking the devil's back would be...I love my mom.

All I know is that they always told us horrible and unimaginable things happened when people stepped on those breaks in the sidewalks.

So maybe I'm convinced that if I were to step on one of these crevices, it would open up and swallow me and everyone around me. Or maybe a huge bolt of lightening would strike someone down the second I broke that rule. Or a nuclear war would start. Or some huge beautiful forest would burst into giant, uncontrollable flames and ruin peoples homes and towns. Or some kitten would die. Or... okay...I'll just stop there.

Maybe it's just a habit. A weird, unexplainable habit. Yeah, that's it.