Friday, January 22, 2010

Sista, Sista

Cray-Cray and I went to Target today.

As we were getting out of the car, a woman and her son came up to us and offered to sell us little bags of potpourri in hopes of getting a little help. It was obvious that they were a family who was really struggling, ya know? My heart broke for them. I whine about being broke all the time and here I am shopping for clothes I don't need while there are people trying to figure out how they are going to feed their kids dinner that night.

Cray-Cray, in all of her beauty and grace, didn't think twice about pulling out her wallet and offering up what she had to the woman and boy. I followed her lead. No way was I spending that money on stupid material things when this woman was trying to feed her family. No way. And my amazing sister in Christ was such an example of Mary that I couldn't help but do as she did.

After talking to the woman and her son a little more, Cray-Cray asked if we could pray with them. This is when my heart just crumbled. There the four of us were standing in the middle of Target, holding hands, and praying. I hurt for them. I don't know where they are right now but I pray to God they're okay.

If you guys could pray for them, too, that would be so great.

It also made me realize how much we need each other. "We" being people. We have to watch each others back. Protect each other. Love each other. Hold each other.

It was definitely a wake up call for me today. Another nudge from the Man upstairs saying, "You think you've got it bad? Honey, look what I've given you."

Thanks for the heads up, Big Guy.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Power of Pillsbury

The inhabitants of 210 are three very different young women.

There is the domestic, fun loving one.
There is the artsy, girly one.
And there is the dramatic, weird one.

One thing the three of us have in common, though, is what we keep in our fridge. In our apartment, you'll find three separate rolls of chocolate chip cookie dough. Not just any chocolate chip cookie dough. Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

(That's only because it's the best.)

Do we just bake cookies a lot, you may wonder?

Um, no....? Wait...people actually bake their cookie dough?

The magic of this wonderful treat is widely underrated. Cookie dough can do many things. It can calm nerves, mend a broken heart, fill any empty voids, and much, much more.

Okay, okay...maybe it doesn't do all those things.

But it does have some kind of magical powers. I mean...why else would all these people devour it in their weakest moments? What is it about cookie dough that makes us feel better? Does it even really make us feel better? And if it doesn't why do we keep pretending it does?

Honestly, I don't really care about the answers to those questions. Consider them rhetorical.

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind... Don't be jealous...

Monday, January 18, 2010

I just love this!

I'm not sure why, but the idea of someone waiting for a person they love is just a beautiful thought to me. That is honestly my weak spot, I think. Waiting for someone. Whether it be a true love, a parent, a child, or a friend, it's all just a really amazing act of love. Wow.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Hold My Hand

This break has gone by really slowly to me. I feel like so much has happened in the past month, you know? To me, it feels like a year has gone by. And this break has been an EXTREME emotional rollercoaster. Up and down, super high to super low. I mean, for real. I'm kind of exhausted.

I hope all of you have had more of a peaceful break.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Written early in the morning.

I'm sitting here at 2 in the morning bundled up in some sweatpants, a sweat shirt, a down comforter, and a beautiful pair of snuggly Christmas socks. I do my writing usually at wee hours of the morning because that's when I'm usually the last one awake while the rest of the world has slipped off into a deep, peaceful slumber. The quiet time gives me a little space to think things through and sort out the disorder that is my mind.

What's really on my heart tonight is self-image and how it effects one's relationships with other people. There is that Lifehouse song called Whatever It Takes with the line, "You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me." I do believe this is absolutely true. I have too many friends who cannot see how good they are or how much they have to offer and so, consequently, their relationships with their loved ones around them suffer. It was just tonight where I talked to a friend of mine and he told me he wasn't happy with the person he was. He believed that that held him back from giving a past relationship his all. Mind you, this guy is a true prince. He is a good man. Though, for whatever reason, he doesn't see or believe that. It kills me. This is just one example. I've got others.

This time last year I was really battling self-worth. I believed I wasn't enough and that I needed to be more and better. I was striving to be whatever it was I thought I needed to be. This struggle left me fighting hate and jealousy in my heart. Love is not jealous, people. It was just awful. I'm sure one or two of you have been there before, too. So I know you know where I'm coming from. Well, one night I went to confession to offer up all of this sin. When I had finished my confession, the priest looked at me and said, "I can see you don't understand how great you are." I nearly passed out right then. I couldn't believe what he had just told me. Not only because I was so shocked at his openness, but also because I couldn't believe he meant me. Me? I'm great? He continued to give my penance. I was to look in the mirror every morning for one week and say out loud to myself, "You are good enough." The penance helped and it was one step closer for me in discovering the beauty of who I really am and what I have to give to the world.

Granted, I definitely don't feel like this everyday. There have been many times in the past year that I have really questioned why people even love me like they do. Though I fortunately do not struggle with such a jealousy anymore, I still fall frequently. Some days I find some real self-loathing floating about in my head but the trick is to find it, squash it, and throw it out so that it never returns again. Another key is to find where that self-loathing is coming from and deal with it there. Destroy the very roots of those shenanigans because they're lies.

The way we see ourselves definitely effects our relationships with those around us. I would encourage all of us to take a good hard look at how we view ourselves. Obviously we are not perfect. So, yes, we've got those flaws. Let's recognize this. And yes, of course work on those flaws, but also realize that we fall down a lot because we're of the human race. A very flawed, a very complicated, and a very beautiful human race.

Learn to love yourself and who you are. Understand what you've got to offer. Achieve this so that you can fully give yourself to someone in the most healthy love. Gosh, that sounds nice, huh? :)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Glance at my Childhood

I was bored at my house one night and decided to pull out all the old pictures we have. I found the Kelly's Keepsakes box and just went to town. I wound up in pictures and memorabilia up to my neck. I looked through things for hours and decided to show you a bit of my early childhood, okay?

My mother and me in New York City. Here's a fun fact; I lived there on and off for the first two years of my life! I really love this picture. My mother looks so beautiful and so genuinely happy. It makes me adore her ten times more than I already do every time I look at this photo.

And here is just proof that I've been thuggin' from the very beginning. This is me on the streets of Manhattan.

You may say I'm just a little ballerina here, but to me, this is just a little girl wishing she had wings so she could be a true fairy.

Homegirl wants some wuffles, homegirl gonna get some wuffles.


Why, yes, I have been awkward all my life.

I like to think of this last picture as Female Warrior Kelly coming out at a young age. Protecting my brother. I mean, here's more proof that I've ALWAYS been fierce, you know? I live fierce, I will love fierce, and I am just a fierce person. Period.

Okay, that's enough. Hope you enjoyed. :)

You've Got Mail

My favorite quote;

"I like to start my notes to you as if we're already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we're the oldest and dearest friends- as opposed to what we actually are- people who don't know each other's names and met in a chat room where we both claimed we'd never been before. What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you."

hehe, I'm such a girl. I'm sorry.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Home Away From Home

Being back at the apartment is really nice. Living with my sisters, having girl talk, and having snuggle fests. (Hehe!) It's a feeling of normalcy and comfort. This apartment is my comfort zone, I think.

On the other hand, being home was so great! My mom and I have been closer than ever. I always feel completely at peace when I'm in my room at home. Life is good there.

Being back is so great, though. I've been very productive. Doing my thing. Hanging out with people up here. Loving just being.

I've been really focusing on taking care of myself lately. Working on my relationship with my Father and taking care of my heart. Mushy stuff, I guess, haha. Seems dramatic, I know, but you gotta do what you gotta do. It's all harder than I thought, to be honest. My problem isn't that I'm not satisfied with Him alone. No, that isn't it. Because trust me, if I could just remain His only and never have to worry about anything else, I would be so content and happy. But God likes to do things His way because He knows what would make my heart truly and profoundly complete. He knows my heart's greatest desires, after all. So He throws all this confusing, complicated stuff in the mix that He understands but nooooo one else does. I'm trying to go where He wants, but, most days, I don't have a clue where that is, darnit! My heart is just really confused and I'm just focusing on sorting those things out lately. That's all. Just taking care of myself.

Being up here helps. My mom helps. My sisters. My Jesus. Mary. Cookie dough. Will Smith. All of the above.

I've been very blessed and I have so much to be thankful for so trust me when I say this, "Life is good." :)

I think the reason I'm writing this to you guys is because I need to request your prayers. So could you do that for me? Just a prayer. I'm praying hard for all of you, too. Thank you so much, my hearts!

I hope all of you are having a wonderful week. Smile at the sun tomorrow, okay?