The "Quiet" Place

I have magical powers. Did you know that? Yea.

"How are you magical," you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked, sweetheart! I am a heavy sleeper. Yea. Look, I have slept through door bells, house alarms, knocking, glass shattering, hurricanes, tsunamis, riots... Perhaps, I'm getting a little carried away. 

But for real, my hearts, when I sleep, it's like I fall deeply into this black abyss of wonderment and comfort. Yea. Few things can pull me out of this comatose state. I can wake up to my alarm clock (but only mine), someone yelling my name at a very high volume, or someone shaking the tar out of me. Other than those three things, I'm dead to the world. Yea.

This magical power is both a curse and a blessing. It's a curse because this means I could potentially sleep through a fire, a burglary, or something to that nature. It's a blessing because I sleep through all of those annoying morning disturbances that muggles wake up to.

Like this morning, for instance. Cray-Cray was woken up at around 7:30AM to a man banging the side of our building with what she described as a "Viking war hammer." 

[Picture by Madison Hunter.]

Once, I was awake, I heard this ridiculous racket but it is not what initially rose me from my deep, peaceful slumber. Apparently, Cray-Cray was abruptly woken up by the banging and started hitting the window back at the man screaming, "No! Absolutely not!" Can anyone blame the girl? It was 7:30AM and this guy was pounding on the side of our building RIGHT outside our window!

Once I woke up, he was finishing up his little show for the morning so I missed it for the most part. Poor baby Cray-Cray. She's just a little muggle.

Dear Mr. Mean Viking Hammer Man,

    Sleep in, little guy. If you don't, I will throw deviled eggs at you and your shiny little hammer. Choose wisely.

                                                 With all my love, Kelly

Thank you, Father, for giving me these magic powers. Yea.

Poolside Stampede

Cray-Cray and I went swimming today. You know, it was an absolutely gorgeous day, the sun was shining bright, and it just seemed like a good idea to go for a little swim.

I have work later so I was looking for a nice way to relax before the hustle and bustle of the restaurant tonight.

We changed into our swimsuits and headed for the pool. At first we see this guy pruning the bushes around the pool but we didn't think much of it. We did feel bad about swimming all up in his face though.

"Look at us swimming in the refreshing pool while you are doing hard labor and sweating bullets!!! Whooooo!!! Swim party!! Everyone is invited except the guy cutting bushes!!!" Swimming around almost felt like mocking him, you know?

After getting over that guilt, we started to enjoy ourselves. We swam around talking about things going on amongst our friends, how we miss people, funny things that have happened to us, etc.

Then...all of a sudden...they came.

We didn't even have time to react. We didn't even have a chance. They came so fast, neither of us could have done anything. *shivers* It...was so...frightening.

It was like a stampede or a surprise attack in the night. Except it was broad daylight...

I don't remember how many there were. Maybe four or five? But before we knew it, we were surrounded by them.

LEAF. BLOWERS.

How could we have predicted this?!

There we were, having this deep conversation when BAM! these men come out from bushes, from behind the fence, out of the windows, and one guy even slithered out from under a car!!

We tried to continue our conversation thinking they were safely away that we didn't have to scream over that loud, roaring sound they make. We even were naive enough to think we were safe in the confines of the gate that surrounds the pool. We were so very wrong.

All of a sudden, one came in....like a loose wild boar. He started blowing pedals, leaves, and what not away and made his way around the pool.

It went something like,
"RAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!"

Our conversation turned to half screaming, half laughing because of the entire situation. I mean, these men were everywhere.

My conversation with Cray-Cray went something like:

"YES, SO I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT SO-AND-SO BECAUSE OF THIS-AND-THAT!!!!!!!"

"ME TOO!!!!"

and:

"I'M JUST SO HAPPY ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I KNOW, SO AM I!!!! SO MANY GREAT THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS!!!!!!!!"

It was ridiculous.

I swear those men blew our entire parking lot away. I'm still looking for my car.

We even had them use the leaf blowers to whisk us back to the apartment and dry our hair!!

Good times...

Hard Habit to Break

People have all kinds of different habits.

Some people bite their nails. Others chew on their pens. Some people twiddle their thumbs. Some bounce their feet at a million miles a minute. Some people even smoke cigarettes.

I don't do any of those things.

No, I have a much stranger habit. 

*sigh* Okay...gosh...I'll tell you. You forced it out of me...

Sometimes...*deep breathe* Okay, I'm just going to say it.

Sometimes...sometimes...

SOMETIMES I TALK LIKE A BABY!!!!

....what?

You already knew that about me? You've heard me do it in public a thousand times already?

Wow...who knew?

Oh...everyone?

Gosh, well, I guess the cat's out of the bag on this one. Yes, sometimes, it just happens. I'll be mid-sentence and I'll go right into baby voice. It's second nature nowadays. I don't even realize it.

I'm twenty years old and I talk like a toddler.

I can't even break it. I try. Trust me, I do. But I just can't stop for the life of me. It's like... an addiction.

What if I'm the future President of the Unites States? What then? Will I be in the middle of a speech addressing some national matter and then just break out into 2-year-old Kelly voice? What if I can't break this habit of mine and that happens? Will they impeach me!? Am I doomed as your future president? *seizure*

What if some really great guy asks me on a date and he doesn't know this about me? He'll take me to some cute little place and we'll be talking and getting to know each other when I transform into this...this...infant. I mean, should I just quit while I'm ahead? *seizure*

I'm a total advocate for remaining a kid at heart. "Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional." I'm telling you, when I have kids, I'm going to be in that fort with them fighting right beside them in our war against the bad guys. I'll be at their tea parties, in the most extravagant attire, sharing cookies with Mr. Teddy Bear the Third. But is this voice a little too far?! What if I can't help it?! *seizure*

Look, the solution is that you'll just have to love me the way I am -- weird. Can you do that? I mean...people do weirder things....right?

*seizure*


Love, Your Future President of the United States of America

Don't Hate Me

I cannot believe I haven't even written one post this month and we're already half way through it.

I don't deserve to call myself your friend. I understand if you hate me and want to leave me and you want to spit at me.

Pour tar on me and then cover me in feathers. I get it. I understand.

I understand if you want to taze me in my sleep.

Hey, you wanna come in and nuke me? I feel ya, man. I would open up that door for you. Invite you in. I would even serve you tea with two lumps of sugar. I would do that. Because contrary to what you might think, I really do like you. But you are hurt...I've neglected this blog and you.

Who am I?

What kind of monster have I become?!!?

A jerk, a flake, an unreliable barbarian!

I understand if you're done with me...

.....

PLEASE DON'T BE DONE WITH ME!!!

There will be a blog tomorrow. I assure you.